Bowel Troubles of Many Varieties

When Bathroom Success Cannot be Found

Aug 15, 2009 Christopher Pascale

Going to the bathroom is one of the better parts of a man's day, but events such as the Chicago Deception and the Punxsutawny Phil can leave one in a state of ruin.

Using the restroom is usually a pleasant occasion. However, there are instances when it is not. Whether one has dealt with constipation or diarrhea in the past, few are ever prepared for misfires, such as the nefarious Chicago Deception.

The Chicago Deception

The windy city is famous for many things from the Bulls basketball franchise to great pizza.

One thing it is not famous for, though, is being noted as a legitimate bowel movement. The Chicago Deception acts much like former Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich, whose political career ended disgracefully following his attempt to sell President Obama's Senate seat. Between the two, there's a lot of hot air, but nothing to legitimatize the occupation of the throne.

During a Chicago Deception one will rest his cheeks in quite a hurry fearing that all heck is about to break loose only to find that flatulence rules the day. This ruse is quite dissatisfying, but much better than the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Worse than a false alarm is this horrid event, which can often take place while caught in traffic. The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang happens when one is indisposed and an urge that has either built up to a pinnacle, or comes upon one suddenly, leads Christians to wonder why there is only one set of footprints in the sand, and Atheists to be further confirmed in their righteousness.

The Dreamer Poop

Insolent employees and high school students know this one best. It often occurs when one wishes to poop but cannot simply because there is no product in the works.

So, despite this reality, a person will sit on the bowl and wait, releasing a few hot breaths but nothing more. In the meantime, the smart ones who engage in this fruitless activity will also carry a newspaper or magazine. The not-so-smart ones will be seen carrying a mid-morning snack as though the commode was their own personal canteen.

The Ninja Turtle Dip, Duck, and Dodge

Children and parents of the 1980s are very familiar with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Many grown ups today still have a favorite (Raphael, of course).

This near poop has a flavor all its own as it leaves a trail like no other. During this escapade the sphincter muscle successfully pushes the product beyond the point of no return only to have it come back as though, perhaps, it saw the world beyond and was frightened, which is why it is also known as "the frightened turtle," "groundhog's day," "long winter," and "the Punxsutawney Phil."

When it comes to one's bowels, false alarms are no joking matter, and neither are five alarm calls such as the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. While the former leaves its creator with minimal satisfaction at best, the latter can be pure misery. And not to forget the Ninja Turtle Dip, Duck, and Dodge (heaven forbid one dips, ducks, and dodges all at the same time) well, let's just hope the best for everyone because it's a rough world out there, and we do not need our bodies to turn against us.

The copyright of the article Bowel Troubles of Many Varieties in Men’s Health is owned by Christopher Pascale. Permission to republish Bowel Troubles of Many Varieties in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

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