Bowel Movements of Many Kinds

Deciphering Events After a Good (or bad) Poop

Aug 18, 2009 Christopher Pascale

Men are utterly fascinated with their bowel movements, and they should be given the many different kinds of stool from soft to hard; disappearing to ever-present.

According to one biography, oil tycoon J. Paul Getty used to note in his diary the types of bowel movements he'd had. For some, this may seem strange. For modern American men, all one would have to do is search the photo album in their cell phones to see that this activity was neither a rare nor fleeting trend.

This topic is of such importance today that there is even a pooping blog as well as a guide to workplace etiquette regarding the matter due to the shame that has forced many underground who would rather celebrate such achievements since there are some who are not as impressed with such compositions when they are not their own.

The following is a guide to some of the many varieties of stool. It is meant to enhance the experience, and entertain those who are on the fence over whether they should be entertained by such bathroom humor.

The Phantom Menace Poop

It is time to admit that everyone looks at their product following a bowel movement. It is very important to note this because there are times when one poops, looks, and there is nothing there. Some might wonder, 'did I flush?' or 'maybe it was just gas.'

Fear not. While many may believe this to be the rueful Chicago Deception, it is more likely to be a Phantom Menace Poop. Also known as a Ghost Poop, the PMP leaves one's domain, enters the cool water of its new life, and, like a phantom, is gone, and, like a menace, is a great tormentor.

This is the worst when the stool is a Teflon Poop, which is when one goes but there is no evidence by way of wiping that it had traversed one's bowels.

The Incredible Hulk Poop

For those who claim not to flush late at night as a means of being considerate to those the sound may disturb, it is more likely that consideration is being granted to what lay beneath the surface of the toilet.

There are times when poop can be left unattended for an unacceptable period of time, and the result is that a [defecate] monster is born.

Just as its creator may have, this horrible beast has expanded to twice the size it once had been while contained. But now, just like the Incredible Hulk, it has become so large that any porcelain throne would quiver at the thought of having to conquer it.

Wet Cheeks, Bungee Jumper, and the Snake

These three types of poop are classified not because of the fear they bring upon others, but because of their execution of landing.

The Wet Cheeks Poop happens when one releases a serious product. But rather than sloop nicely into the water, it performs a quarter, or three-quarter, somersault, landing on its side and sending much water in the contrary direction.

The Bungee Jumping Poop occurs when one's poop suspends from that of which it came, sometimes touching the water, and other times not. At times, one must shake the bungee jumper off, which can result in the poop laying on the wall of the commode. Most likely, the rush of the water will not be able to take it off alone, and there is always some that sticks if it does.

The Snake Poop is a very long, agile product. It, as one would think, coils nicely into the water waiting to be recognized until flushed.

The Commode Choker and The Crippler

Unlike the Incredible Hulk Poop, the Commode Choker is already very large. If one could imagine delivering a 10 lb (4.5 kg) baby, this would be its anal equivalent.

Following the moment of pride one will take in observing such a fine specimen, there will often be a lack of it when flushing is not an ability that can be maintained by the simple rush of water. The Commode Choker is like a log jam, and when more water does not do the trick, a stick of dynamite may be the best option.

Sadly, this activity sometimes occurs at someone else's home, and they may not be prepared to alleviate guests of such embarrassing situations. Some may even revel in it.

The Crippler is a poop of legend. So unpleasant it is, that the act can lead one to a deep period of soul searching afterward. During a crippling poop, one will realize that something is terribly wrong, and fast. Upon making it to the bowl (punctually, we hope) one will release this gastric horror, and his or her feet will actually leave the floor as he must also hold on to the seat for fear of flight.

When the deed is done, there will be some confusion for those who have never experienced The Crippler. An inventory of sorts may be taken, or a state of shock might be entered as quickly as it is over.

What it all comes down to is that whether someone is dealing with a splash upon the bottom, or the revulsion of not knowing if he's gone, pooping is a very serious matter that is cared about by very serious people.

The copyright of the article Bowel Movements of Many Kinds in Men’s Health is owned by Christopher Pascale. Permission to republish Bowel Movements of Many Kinds in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

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